When my kids were born, I had no idea that I would be unschooling them. I really didn't think I would be sending them off to school either. I assumed that would eventually happen because that is what people do...that's what my parents did with me. I had friends that were homeschooled but I didn't really know much about that. All I did know, at that moment in time, was that I didn't want to let them out of my sight. I wanted to hold them, inhale their sweet scent all day, memorize all the Thomas the Train songs with them, let them sleep in my bed, nurse them, play with them,etc,etc. Before I knew it I was a baby wearing, co-sleeping, nursing them until they self weaned "hippie mama". Eventually I learned that there is an actual term for this type of parenting, attachment parenting....and it's not just for hippies.
There are so many different "types" of parenting but when it comes down to it, I think we all just want to be "good parents". Oh, but there are factors that get in the way, aren't there? Self-doubt, inexperience, the stresses of everyday life, and doing what we "should" do because that's what our parents have done before us. Also, our peers are watching and goddess forbid we should actually do something different than them! I joke....but not really. Why, oh why, does peer and parental pressure still make such an impact on us!? I'm a 40 something year old woman, for crying out loud! Shouldn't I have left that pressure behind in high school?!! I find that parenting comes with a whole new set of pressures. I think that this pressure alone can make us bat shit crazy and maybe even fall a bit short of the "good parent" line. So, I want to share a few of the things I've learned in my almost 10 years of parenting and especially as an unschooling parent.
1) There is no such thing as a perfect parent. It took me a long time to realize that even my own parents are just human. Realizing this actually helped me heal from a lot of past hurts within my childhood (but that is a whole other novel!) The point is, you can leave your judgement at the door. Just because somebody is doing something in a different way than you, doesn't make it better or worse....just different. Aside from actually abusing or severely neglecting your kids (come on, that's just messed up) most of us are just trying to be the best parents we know how to be.
2)Be soft, kind, and loving. But also take nobody's shit. This means a couple different things to me.
* Just because you can forgive yourself and others for past mistakes (and you should) doesn't mean you should forget. If people don't learn and grow from their mistakes and continue to treat you a certain way, you don't have to accept it. Either stand up for yourself or cut them out. I will never force my kids to be friends with someone or accept someone's unacceptable behavior towards them.
*I'm not a fan of discipline. But that doesn't mean they get to walk all over me. In other words, I try to be soft, kind, and loving but I don't take their shit! ;-) Respect is a two way street. Kids are kids and so they are not fully emotionally evolved human beings...but they are still human beings. I've heard parents who were getting really frustrated with their kids say "I just expect so much more from them!" Well maybe they deserve so much more from you! Just because our children are ours to raise and they are "just kids" doesn't mean that their feelings and choices should matter any less than ours.
3) Be like a toddler and ask "why" constantly!
This was a huge "AHA" for me! I'll admit that there were times when my kids were younger and constantly asking me "why mama, why do I have to do that" or why do things work that way, that I sometimes would get very annoyed. I would snap back with "just because" or "because I said so". Really? As tiring as it can be sometimes, I think we all realize that this is a big part of the learning process. For toddlers, this is a very big time of questions because they are new to the world and they are just finding their voice. WHY does this process diminish as they get older and enter "school age"? Is it because they are SO much older and wiser and they suddenly have it all figured out? Or maybe it's because they have entered a world where the answers are just given to them....and they didn't even ask the questions. Or maybe the answers are given to them in such a way that no other answers are accepted and kids start to feel silly if they're searching for a different answer or because they have questions that people don't care to or don't have time to answer. And so they just stop asking.
Living and learning alongside my children has made me re-discover my WHY. WHY do we live the way we do? WHY is one person's lifestyle better than another's? WHY is one person's LIFE valued more than another's? WHY do we call some animals pets and other animals food? WHY do we think that sending our kids to school is the only way for them to get an education? WHY do we do most things because that's the way they were done before us? I'm sure this list can go on and on. I don't pretend to have all the answers but just asking the questions is pretty damn exciting for me...especially since I like finding my own answers.
4) Live life with childlike enthusiasm!
As I approach my 42nd birthday, I realize that even though my years are dwindling....I am still not too old. I am not too old to play, to have fun, to dream, to learn something new, to change my occupation, to feel beautiful in my skin, to play dress up, to laugh at the silliest things, to take little road trips just because we can. Even though I have to "earn a "living" and abide the same laws as everyone else, I refuse to be a slave to the normal conventional rules and I refuse to let the daily stress rule my life. Life is too short and precious and our kids grow up way too fast!! I prefer to BE HERE NOW...to enjoy living, laughing, playing, learning and building the kind of life with my children that we LOVE and that makes us HAPPY!